A User's Guide to Easter Jellybeans

Do you remember when jellybeans were big, chewy balls of goo that stuck to your teeth and came in a small variety of gross flavors? As a kid, if I ever got jellybeans in my Easter eggs, I would pick out the red ones and throw away the rest.

Then Starburst jellybeans came along and revolutionized the jellybean world.

Now there are so many different kinds of jellybeans I can't keep track of them all. 

Every Easter, I wonder how the different jellybeans compare to each other. So this year, both to answer my own question and because it seemed like a good excuse to buy a bunch of candy, Mr. Brown Eyes and I ventured into an educational endeavor to try as many kinds as we could, then rate them against each other.

I had Mr.. Brown Eyes rate them because, even though he'll eat whatever I cook for him even if he doesn't like it, he's got really good taste. After all, he married me.

So here it is. A little late for Easter, but there's always next year.

A User's Guide to Jellybeans, by Mr. Brown Eyes

LAFFY TAFFY
Not super flavorful, but enjoyable. Powdery texture the moment your saliva hits it. Soft, not very chewy, doesn't stick to your teeth.
Gluttony Level: The desire to eat them isn't super high, but they'd be easy to put down.

STARBURST
Mild fruity flavors reminiscent of the candy. Enjoyable but not memorable. Crisp outer shell, smooth, non-sticky interior. Kind of like a baby starburst, but more gummy.
Gluttony Level: High potential--crispness curbs gluttony (a little).

LIFESAVER
Enjoyable classic flavors with a sugary aftertaste. Classic jellybean texture, not too sticky. Recognized the flavors from my childhood.
Gluttony Level: Mild, not very addictive.

SWEETART
Light, soothing flavors. The words "supple" and "satiny" come to mind. Almost melt in your mouth. On the edge of what you would define as a jellybean.
Gluttony Level: High--smooth on the tongue.

BUMPY NERD
Many different enjoyable fruit flavors, some bland, some tart. Crunchy outer shell is thoroughly enjoyable. Slightly stick to teeth, but not bothersome. Hard outer shell combines to give crunch throughout chewing cycle. Hard to classify as a jellybean. If you like Nerds and jellybeans, you will be in heaven.
Gluttony Level: Extreme. Referred to as candy-coated crack (in certain circles).

JOLLY RANCHER
Strong fruity flavor, but the fruity essence comes after a couple chews. Initial bites are subdued, slowly exposing the sensual core. Standard jellybean texture, moderately sticky. Delightful, unique flavors.
Gluttony Level: Moderate to high.

I hope this guide aides you in your jellybean selection. Happy Easter!

And happy bellyjeaning!

(I can't tell you how many times I almost typed that),
The Brown-Eyed Girl